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When envy points to what you really want

Ask which part of their success you want · 13 min

Gretchen Rubin had a top career in law. But when she read news about her old classmates, the lawyers gave her only a mild interest, and the writers made her feel sick with envy. She called it an important clue. Why envy tends to show up around what matters to you, why it points at a whole life when you usually want only one part of it, and one question to ask the next time someone's news stings.

Takeaways

  • Gretchen Rubin had a top career in law, including work for a Supreme Court justice. When she was thinking of leaving law and read news about her old classmates, the lawyers gave her "a mild interest". The writers made her feel "sick with envy". She called it "an important clue", and became a writer.
  • Envy is a pointer, not a map. Research suggests we feel it most about things that matter to how we see ourselves. But it points at a whole life, and you usually want only one part of it: the work, the prize, or the life around it.
  • Something to try: when envy stings, ask, "If I could have only one part of their life, which would I take?" Then take one small step toward that part, which may be a different road from theirs.

Chapters

  1. Sick with envy0:18
  2. Two usual answers1:53
  3. A pointer, not a map3:50
  4. Same envy, different wants5:43
  5. Hear it done7:26
  6. Build yours9:09
  7. The answer11:11

References

  1. Rubin, G. — Assay: The Good in Bad Emotions (gretchenrubin.com)(2011)
  2. Lebowitz, S. (Business Insider, via Thrive Global) — A happiness expert says changing your life for the better starts with an uncomfortable question(2017)
  3. Rubin, G. — About Gretchen Rubin (gretchenrubin.com)
  4. Sandra Day O'Connor Institute — Supreme Court Clerks: Gretchen C. Rubin
  5. Supreme Court of the United States — Sandra Day O'Connor: First Woman on the Supreme Court
  6. Federal Communications Commission — Mass Media Bureau news release (Gretchen Rubin, Counsel to the Chairman)
  7. Publishers Weekly — Power Money Fame Sex: A User's Guide (review)(2000)
  8. Salovey, P., & Rodin, J. — Provoking jealousy and envy: Domain relevance and self-esteem threat (Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology 10(4))(1991)
  9. Smith, R. H. — Envy and its transmutations (in The Social Life of Emotions)(2004)
  10. van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M., & Pieters, R. — Leveling up and down: The experiences of benign and malicious envy (Emotion 9(3))(2009)
  11. van de Ven, N., Zeelenberg, M., & Pieters, R. — Why envy outperforms admiration (Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin 37(6))(2011)
  12. van de Ven, N. — Envy and admiration: emotion and motivation following upward social comparison (Cognition and Emotion 31(1))(2017)
  13. Crusius, J., Gonzalez, M. F., Lange, J., & Cohen-Charash, Y. — Envy: An adversarial review and comparison of two competing views (Emotion Review 12(1))(2020)
  14. Sezer, B., et al. — Goal motives, approach/avoidance appraisals, psychological needs, and well-being: A systematic review and meta-analysis (Motivation Science 11(3))(2025)