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Love & Partnership

The 36 questions, corrected

What closeness is really built from · 14 min

In 2015 a writer tried a psychology lab's 36 questions on an evening out and wrote that she fell in love. The lab had built them for something else, and then tried to break them. What closeness is really built from, and one step you can take in your next conversation.

Takeaways

  • In the 1997 lab study behind the 36 questions, US student pairs felt closer after escalating questions than after small talk, whether or not they disagreed on things they cared about, expected to like each other, or were told to try.
  • In one experiment with 156 US students, pairs who took turns sharing liked each other more than pairs who shared in long solo stretches, even after everyone had had their turn.
  • This week: in your next conversation with someone you see regularly, go one step deeper, both ways: one question a level deeper, and your own answer at the same level.

Chapters

  1. A bridge at midnight0:18
  2. What should have mattered2:14
  3. Taking turns4:10
  4. The office and the small town7:06
  5. Hear it done9:14
  6. Build yours10:26
  7. The answer12:18

References

  1. Catron, M. L. — To fall in love with anyone, do this (Modern Love)(2015)
  2. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. — The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings(1997)
  3. Sprecher, S., Treger, S., Wondra, J. D., Hilaire, N., & Wallpe, K. — Taking turns: Reciprocal self-disclosure promotes liking in initial interactions(2013)
  4. Laurenceau, J.-P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. — Intimacy as an interpersonal process: The importance of self-disclosure, partner disclosure, and perceived partner responsiveness in interpersonal exchanges(1998)
  5. Schug, J., Yuki, M., & Maddux, W. — Relational mobility explains between- and within-culture differences in self-disclosure to close friends(2010)
  6. Thomson, R., Yuki, M., et al. — Relational mobility predicts social behaviors in 39 countries and is tied to historical farming and threat(2018)
  7. NPR, TED Radio Hour — Mandy Len Catron: Can you jumpstart love?(2019)